Only You Could Fill This Empty Space
by Hydra-Star
Summary: You've all seen the famous episode 33 fic. Each shows it through one seishi’s eyes. This is how they ALL felt. This is how all of them dealt with the loss of their comrade. Doesn't have Miaka & Tama. HotoNuri TasNuri. Rated for Tas language in first chap.
1. How Do You Heal A Broken Heart?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
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You... are gone... That... That _thing_ had killed you. You died up on a mountain, alone, without me there. I wasn't been able to protect you. I had never been able to protect you. And the worst part is, I never told you. Oh, Suzaku, I'd never had a chance. You had always loved that damn Hotohori, but even Hotohori made you cry. You were a man of endless love and someone who only cared about others, not yourself. Not like me. You died for us. For your fellow Suzaku Seishi.  
  
Damn you. You died before I could tell you the most important thing. Before I could tell you how much I cared. You left and went without a trace to somewhere that I could never follow you to. Damn you. How dare you do this to me?! How dare you ruin my life, simply by dying?! I hate you for what he did to me! You left a giant hole in my heart that only you can fill. No one will ever be able to replace you. And for that, I hate you. Except... I love you as well... Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time? I don't think so....  
  
Now there is a hole going strait through me. It will never be filled. That is impossible. For it can only be filled with your laughter... your smiles..... your tears.... you......  
  
I am alone without you. You were everything to me and now that your gone, I just don't know what to do. Every night I dream of you. Every morning I think of you. I just can't get my mind of you.  
  
If only I had known that everything would end so fucking _fast_. If I had, I would have told you. I would have told you how I feel and not cared about what you said in reply, as long as you knew. You never knew that anyone loved you. You were always so down on your self, although you tried to hide it behind a cheery face. Did you think that I didn't notice? I did. Sometimes, at night, when you thought that everyone else was asleep, I would hear you crying. Oh, how I wished that I could come over there to you and comfort you. But I was never brave enough. I am a cowered. I have always been a cowered. The others are always telling me how brave I am, but if I'm so brave, then why couldn't I tell you? Why couldn't I tell you how I feel?  
  
It's all wrong. You weren't supposed to die. None of us were supposed to die, but especially not you. Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't it have been anyone but you?  
  
I'm not used to pain like this. Usually, this sort of thing doesn't hurt me as much as other people. But not this time. This time, it has hurt me more that any of the others. They all say that they understand how I feel, but how could they? This pain is much more that they will ever feel. They didn't love you. But I did. I loved you more than anything. How could you have gone and gotten yourself killed? that wasn't supposed to happen. Nothing like that was supposed to happen. If only I'd known..... But I suppose that not even I can see the future. Still... It hurts so much... I don't know how much more of this I can stand. Maybe I should just end it all. Then I'd be able to be with you. Then... We'd be able to be together..... Yes... I suppose that's the only way.... Nuriko....


	2. Friendship Couldn't Save You

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
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Tasuki tried to kill himself last night; did you know that? He seems crushed by your death. We all are, but he doesn't seem to think that we can relate. I think that he was in love with you, to tell the truth, and when you died, a part of him died with you. A part of us all died with you.  
  
I still can't believe that you're gone. Wasn't it enough that I lost Hikou and Kouran? I had just began to open up to you. I had just began to believe in the power of friendship again. And then you died. The thing that you treasured so much and were always saying was so strong, that thing called friendship and love, wasn't powerful enough to save you. No matter how much we, the Suzaku Seishi and so many others, cared for you, you will never be able to return to us. Why did you go and put yourself in such a dangerous position? Perhaps you felt the tug of fate, and rushed to greet it with open arms. Maybe you wished to impress us, your fellow seishi, and show that you were worthy to be a member of the Suzaku Seishi. But you needn't have. We all knew, and still know, that you were the best of us all. Or maybe it was simply a game of chance. I do not know, but for whatever reason, it was unfair that you, of all people, had to die. You were, perhaps, the most loving and caring of all of us. You never seemed to care about what happened to yourself, only what happened to others. Some people would call that stupidity, but I call it bravery and kindness.  
  
We could relate to each other, and that only makes the pain from your passing even harder to bear. We had both lost someone special to us and because of that, we had both made ourselves a mask of some kind. Mine, was the smiling mask that I made to cover my scar. Yours, was the dresses and the makeup that you used to wear; the things that you used to make yourself become your sister. I suppose that we all have a mask of some kind, whether it be big or small. The others just aren't as noticeable as ours. Mitsukake's is perhaps the least noticeable. He hides behind a stoic face and stern eyes. Chiriko hides behind his books and studies, trying to hide that he is only a child inside. I do not know how Hotohori hides, but there must be something. And Tasuki hides behind dirty language and a cocky smile that he is, in face, only a kind person at heart. And then there's us.  
  
Y'know, I always thought of my self as the strongest of the group. I was the oldest. It was my job to look after everyone else. But you proved me wrong, like you did with so many other things. When you died, you showed me that you were truly the strongest. You were willing to sacrifice yourself for us. There is no stronger kind of strength than that. When I got there to late and you were already gone, you showed me that I didn't have to be a parent to everyone else, but their friend. I needed to be there for them, but if I insisted on doing everything myself, I could get killed, and that would just hurt them all more. You _had_ to fight that monster by yourself, and you died. Perhaps there was no other way, but you hurt us all. I know that you didn't mean to (you would never do anything to hurt your friends), but you did.  
  
Even now, I can still hear your voice. I can still remember what you said. You were the heart of us all, and it shown with every word that passed your lips. _Everyone's afraid of losing what's special to them,_ You had once said. That's right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll loose even more people than I already have. I lost you, Kouran, and Hikou. I don't want to loose anyone else. I can't.  
  
_"Don't lose. Not ever."_ Those were your last words. But how can I continue? How can I not loose'? You're gone. We all felt your death. It felt as if a giant piece of my soul had been torn out, never to be returned.  
  
Why did you go up that mountain, to your death? Why didn't this thing that you call friendship save you. You always said that the heart was the strongest thing of all, but then why didn't yours save you? Maybe it couldn't. Maybe nothing, no matter how strong, could have saved you. If this is so, then I will try to continue to believe in the power of friendship. I will try... For you, Nuriko. I will try for you.


	3. I Always Seem to Arrive too Late

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
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I never really knew you. I was always reserved and so I didn't really talk to you much. But I couldn't save you. I arrived to late. Just like I did with Shoka.  
  
I always admired you; did you know that? You were always so free and kind. You always had a smile on your face. If I had gone through what you went through, I don't know if I could ever smile again. Even now, I barely smile. Is that wrong? Because of me being so stoic, I never really got to know you. I always figured that there'd be more time. That I'd be able to do it after Miaka had summoned Suzaku. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.  
  
Now it's to late. It's to late to do anything. If only I had arrived sooner. I'm supposed to be a healer, but I can never seem to heal anyone when it's most important. Because I'm always to late. I was to late to save Shoka – so long ago... – , and now I was to late to save you. I always seem to be to late.  
  
Without you, the group just isn't the same. You were out heart; the most caring of us all. You were the one who kept us together, even though none of us knew it. Whenever something happened, you would just laugh it off and move on. You would show the rest of us how to get over things when we all thought that it was impossible. You just never stopped smiling, even when things were at their worst. How did you do it? I don't know. And now I will never have a chance to ask you.  
  
It's all my fault. If I had been there, you would have lived. But I wasn't. Because I arrived to late. Because I didn't get there in time. By the time I arrived, you were already dead; just lying in the snow, once white but now stained red. I remember how Tasuki had pushed us to get up the mountain faster. How he had tried to get to you before it was to late. But even with us going as fast as we could, we hadn't made it in time. You weren't even able to die in Konan, your home. Instead, you died in the cold, barren waste land that they call Hokkan. That land is practically the opposite of the way you were. It is always winter there; always cold and snowy. It's like death. But with your sunny smile and cheerful personality, you were like summer or spring. You were life.  
  
I think that when you died, a bit of all of us died with you. The little part of us that was filled with you.  
  
All because of me. Because I couldn't get there in time. Because I was to late. Because of me, you died. Because of me, so many people, everyone who loved you, were hurt. All because I was to late to save you, Nuriko. Everything happened because I was to late to save you.


	4. When I was Weak, You Helped Me Up

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi. (Oh, what an original disclaimer.)  
  
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How could you be gone? You were like a member of my family to me. You were like a mother to me. Or a father. Or... Oh... I don't know... I don't seem to know anything any more. I can't even figure out why it had to be you. Why couldn't it have been someone else. Anyone else. Of course, if it were someone else, I would probably be wishing that it were anyone but them. But still...  


  
It's just not right. You weren't supposed to die. None of us were supposed to die. Oh, it should have been me, lying there in the snow, with blood all around me. But I never would have been able to do what you did. Even if I had gone up onto Mount Black instead of you, I never would have been able to defeat Ashitare. I never would have been able to move that bolder. I would have just made a fool of myself and made everything worse. Because I'm weak. Of course I'm weak. When have I ever helped the other members of the Suzaku Seishi. When have I fought for what I believed in. Never. I just stand off to the side and watch as the others risk their life. Because I'm weak. Because I'll never amount to anything. Of course, if I ever told this to you, you would deny it immediately. You would say that someday I would achieve my dream and become a government official. Ha! I will never be able to do that. It's just a childish dream. Once Suzaku is summoned, I will probably loose my power. I will probably become what I am when my symbol disappears. I will only be Doukun. A stupid kid.  
  
You were never weak. You were strong up to your very last moments. You fought for anything and everything that you believed in. I was never able to do that. In my home village, when I was teased because of the symbol on my foot, I would just take it. Usually I'd believe what they said. Because it was true, wasn't it? I'm just a weird little kid. Not like you. Sure, you could be a little weird, but that was all part of who you were. You always acted like who you were, even when you were doing things like cross dressing. But everything I do is a lie. Am I Chiriko, or Doukun? The kid, or the member of the Suzaku Seishi? When I'm Doukun, I'm nothing like the way I am when I'm Chiriko. It's irritating! I know that everyone always gets really annoyed when I change into Doukun. Heck, _I_ get annoyed. But you never got mad at me. Do you remember? I would always go to you with my problems, weather I was Doukun or Chiriko. You'd always listen to me. You would never judge me on what I said, no matter how stupid it was. I could always count on you. With you, I could feel strong. Without you, I know that I am only weak.  
  
And now my symbol if fading. Soon, I will be Doukun, ignorant of the world. Thank you, Nuriko. Thank you for listening to me for one last time. Thank you for making me feel strong. For making me feel like I could be whatever I wanted to be. But most of all, thank you for making me feel wanted. Even needed. I think that's the only thing that anyone wants in this world.


	5. I Never Got to Tell You

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.  
  
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I didn't find out that you were dead until weeks after it happened. I never got to say goodbye to you. I never got to see you in your last moments. I never got to see your grave. Because I'm the emperor. Because I wasn't able to go with you. Because I wasn't able to protect you.  
  
Isn't it strange. I always thought that I loved Miaka. It wasn't until you left to go to Hokkan that I realized my true feelings. I have Miaka my sword because she was the only one of you without any protection and because she was essential to saving my land. But when you left, I realized that I was truly in love with you. I loved Miaka for who I wished she could be, but she just wasn't that person. You were so dedicated to me. You were always by my side, even when you thought that you could never win me. But you did. However, by the time that I realized my true feelings for you, your heart had already been given to Tasuki. Yes... I could tell. I do not believe that he could, but I am not fooled so easily. It was a nobel act, but a futile one all the same.  
  
I cannot say that I do not love Houki. I do. More than anything. I knew the moment that I saw her, she was a gift from you. She looked like your double, and she told me that she had known you while you pretended to be a woman. She was your gift to me from you, and I thank you for that. I thank you with all of my heart. But... Although Houki will always be first in my heart, you are a close second. I still love you. I will always love you. How could I not?  
  
I was to late to tell you. How could I have been so late? How could I have not seen? I was blinded by who I wished Miaka to be. I was blinded by who I thought she was. I always wished for someone to love me for who I was and not just the next emperor, not realizing that I already had that. You. You were right next to me the entire time.  
  
I felt your death, just like all the others. If felt as if half of me had been torn away. At first, I didn't know what it meant, but I suppose that I must have known that you were dead, for I mourned without realizing that I was doing so.  
  
I hurt you so much. I know that I did. You loved me, and I ignored you. Until it was to late. Then, you fell for the bandit. What made you fall for him? I don't know. I just know that he was better to you than I ever was. Nuriko, I loved you. I loved you so much. I hope that you can hear this prair, for then you will know that you were loved. Thank you for sending me Houki. Thank you for sending me your love. Thank you for everything, Nuriko. I'm so sorry. I just couldn't tell you soon enough. I was to late to tell you...


End file.
